It was March, 2018. I had just exited yet another long term turned wrong term relationship. And I wanted a baby. Yes, I could have stayed in that wrong term relationship and had all my baby-making dreams come true, but in those dreams this particular relationship didn’t come with a lifetime of happiness for myself, or us. Our hopes and dreams didn’t align*. And neither did our love languages. (The 5 Love Languages is the single most influential book of my life that has helped pave my personal and professional life’s every success. That, and The Secret. Watch it. Power through. The message is important.)
So I got a dog, and called a doctor. The dog was a no-brainer. I missed having that unconditional love only a dog could give, but I also wanted to start reassuring myself that a lifetime of 24/7 commitment was something I still wanted. Could I still travel? And give work 110%? And have a social life? And take my dog with me? The answer was yes. And still is yes. Best decision I’ve made in years. I’m currently sitting at my local Colectivo writing this while my perfect angel baby sits quietly and people watches. Her favorite hobby.
The doctor on the other hand? The doctor was a bigger, scarier commitment. First of all, she was booked out until May. A great thing, because I can be impulsive and too decisive, and this was no puppy. I was terrified. I waited in the cold sterile room for this doctor that I had never met who was in complete control of my destiny to come in. And I practiced in my head what I would say. And in true Lisa fashion, rehearsed what she would say back, and so and so forth until I had manifested the outcome. My inner monologue is a scary place to be. As you know, fantasy is never the same as reality, so what really happened I never saw coming.
Me: (shaking, scared, apprehensive) “I’m thinking about having a baby by myself.”
Her: (ambivalent, amused, nonplussed) “Great! Let’s look at sperm donors! (Pulls up a website on the computer) Look, this guy has a black belt!”
Never in a million years in a million fantasies was the epic decision to have a child by myself so clear. For someone I had just met to respond to me with humor and unconditional trust in my decision was the ultimate sign for me. She then explained how she normally doesn’t talk money with patients, but in this situation, she does. She gave me my two options, IUI and IVF, and explained the difference in procedure and cost. I’ll get into procedure later, but lets just say that IUI is 1/20 the cost of IVF and the only avenue I could afford. The whole appointment was so reassuring and comfortable that I knew what I was going to do. None-the-less, I decided to give myself a year to consider all options and really vet this decision.
Over the course of May 2018-May 2019, I would say my biggest challenge with committing to this decision was the man part. No matter how feminist this decision looked and felt, I desperately desired for my life to become a Rom-Com** and Prince Charming would show up and we would be perfectly aligned in our hopes and dreams and do this thing together. (ie. “The Back Up Plan” with J-Lo. Premise: She gets inseminated, on the way home, meets *the guy* in the cab, they fall in love, he comes to all her appointments with her, becomes the father of the twins (!) and then they “accidentally” get pregnant quickly after the twins with their own DNA sharing child(ren) and life is perfect)
I painfully spent a year realizing my life is about as far away from a Rom-Com movie as possible. My life is entirely more of the “Com” part than the “Rom” part. I had strike out after strike out. In hindsight, most of the stories of my strike outs are fun to tell (my friends tell me). My heart broke a little every time though. Mostly for my future child. Because I do want them to have a present father. But also for me. Because life is more fun when you have someone you can do it with. Life that is. Get your head out of the gutter. Ok, and “that”.
But then, some random day in February of 2019, I finally felt at peace with myself being enough. Because I’m extra. Just kidding (but not really). I did realize that I wasn’t lying to myself when I always told people,
I don’t NEED a man, I WANT a man.
So here I am world! Doing the thing! Alone. And I’m going to tell you the story. Because that’s who I am. And who I will always be. And if I don’t share my story for other people to commiserate with, who will? And frankly, I could use all the support I can get.
Thanks for joining me on my journey,
Lisa
*Hopes and dreams include: a lakehouse, downtown condo, snowbird villa, and much international travel.
**Rom-Com=Romantic Comedy